


Antics

by Pyramyriad



Category: The Transformers (Cartoon Generation One), Transformers - All Media Types, Transformers Generation One
Genre: Androids, Angst, Angst and Humor, Automata, Automaton, Bad reactions, Common Cold, Crazy, Cybertron, Drabble Collection, Gen, Germs, Giant Robots, Humor, Humorous Ending, Proud Red Alert, Red Alert Is A Germaphobe, Robots, Sickfic, Silly, Sneezing, Stupidity, This Is STUPID, Weapons, Worms, multi-chapter, stupid
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-31
Updated: 2020-05-31
Packaged: 2020-12-09 17:26:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 960
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20998589
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pyramyriad/pseuds/Pyramyriad
Summary: The Autobots’ antics when they aren’t fighting the Decepticons.





	1. Fever

**Author's Note:**

> This is inspired by an episode of _The Big Bang Theory_ from season one called “The Pancake Batter Anomaly”. You just know Red Alert would never react normally to the common cold.

Spike was kind enough to invite Carly into the Autobot base once more, a treat for her to see otherworldly friends and take a peek at the latest hardware from Wheeljack and Perceptor. Prowl and Red Alert insisted on accompanying the former to ensure nothing went wrong and hurt anything or anyone.

In the middle of displaying a spectacular new device capable of synthesising oil into a brand new superfuel, which would hopefully allow said automatons to leave Earth and return to Cybertron, the blonde woman abruptly sneezed.

The others were used to it, but the Security Director was startled and _knew_ such a thing had consequences. “GERMS!” He immediately accelerated around the room, rifling through containers and cupboards.

Perceptor was baffled. “What are you searching for?”

“The antiseptic spray!” Red Alert struggled to locate said item. “It’s been _moved_!”

“I moved it. Second drawer on the right.”

“I don’t think he needs help bein’ crazy,” Wheeljack retorted.

“Antiseptic spray?” Spike enquired. “But you don’t get sick like us, so why-?”

The telescopic Transformer gave a shake of the head. “It isn’t quite the same as what you use. It consists of nanites filled with antibodies that can destroy virae and protect our mechanical bodies from further infection. Invented by yours truly. It comes in spray form for easy application.”

“Huh.”

The Security Director, having located the correct drawer, removed a large can almost the size of an adult male. He then squirted around himself, before advancing towards the other Autobots.

Perceptor would have rolled his optics had he the capability. “I believe Carly merely has the _common cold_.”

“It’s not contagious, is it?” Wheejack enquired.

“Not to robots, I’m sure,” Carly sighed.

“You’re all foolish and ignorant! It’s likely a contagious pathogen that will render us all paralytic! I bet the Decepticons infected her to destroy us!” Red Alert began approaching the humans, which could have resulted in an accident that would likely traumatise all known life for the next million years.

Prowl didn’t at all enjoy the idea of injured humans, especially not under his guard. _Better to be safe than sorry._ “You two’d better leave, before he starts spraying you.” He gestured with a servo for the pair to follow him towards the exit.

“Don’t let her back without a stringent examination!” the neurotic, red and white mech called from afar.

“What’s wrong with him?” the blonde woman wondered. She hadn’t met all of the Autobots and that behaviour was unexpected.

“We have theories,” Prowl said. “Nothing concrete, ‘though.”

“Is he _crazy_? Do you have such a thing on your planet?”

“Unfortunately. But I don’t know why _you’re_ complaining. When you’re gone, we still have to _live_ with him.”


	2. Overkill

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love writing Red Alert being ridiculous, which isn’t really much of a stretch. A lot of inspiration for this was taken from the_ Worms_ games. I somehow managed to hold back and didn’t include the exploding sheep.

_Overkill_. The first word to enter Prime’s mind, with surely many more colourful variations to follow. However, for the sake of Red Alert’s fragile self-esteem and rare good mood, the leader felt obliged to indulge in a demonstration of the base’s newly-installed defence systems.

“So, what do you think?” The Security Director turned to face his superior and actually beamed, satisfied with said efforts.

Optimus remained silent for a minute, carefully ordering thoughts, before choosing to word anything. It was necessary to speak in such a way that ensured the red and white mech didn’t do anything as subtle as _exploding_. A fatherly tone – typically reserved for crying babies and, on occasion, Spike Witwicky – felt appropriate. “If I may make a suggestion?”

“Sir?”

“I understand the motion targeting lasers, missile launchers, infra-red and ultra-violet imaging devices, landmines, harpoon launchers, electrified fishing nets, air-to-surface missiles, air-to-air missiles, electro-magnetic fields, satellite surveillance and readied air strikes…but…”

_Uh-oh. _Red Alert stiffened and the smile on his faceplate slightly drooped, panic rising in his CPU and all too familiar with that word. “What is it? What have I done wrong? It’s the password to enter the base, isn’t it? I knew I made it too long and complicated! I can sort it right away, and…and-”

“_Stop_. That’s not what I was going to say.”

“Oh. Then…?”

“Do we…really require a self-destruct sequence?”

“But what if the Decepticons get _in_? You’ve seen what they _do_! Do you know how _long_ it took me to _reconfigure_ Teletraan 1 last time? It’s better to make sure that _no-one_ gets their hands on its sensitive information-”

“Is Teletraan back to normal?”

“Of course. I’m the Security Director. I made _sure_ of it.”

Prime fought an exasperated groan. Along with nervousness and oversensitivity, the Security Director never considered himself wrong. The lone way to win an argument was through the use of reverse-psychology. “With your impressive defence systems, the Decepticons won’t have a _chance_ to get into the base.”

The smaller Autobot practically squinted his optics, sensing that _something_ must be dishonest about said sentence. However, a mere second later, his smile returned. “Okay!” Fingers hurriedly tapped the keyboard built into the console and _thankfully _deactivated only the self-destruct mechanism. “There we go.”

“Good work,” Optimus approved – a statement that must have accelerated up the other mech’s aft about a trillion lightyears.

“I’ll inform the others!” Red Alert declared, bounding from his seat and charging out of the room, more than likely going to boast.

Returning to the controls for all the defence systems now built into Teletraan 1, the Autobot leader considered his friend’s actions. Perhaps it was better this way. _Prevention is better than cure_; an old human saying. The base did get invaded and its network reprogrammed by the Decepticons far too often.

Suddenly, a loud _zap_ filled the area. Prime’s commlink buzzed. “Yes?”

Prowl’s voice emerged. _“Hey, uh, we have a problem?”_

“What’s happened?”

_“Powerglide is caught in…an electrified fishing net?”_

Maybe not such a good idea, after all.


End file.
